My Thoughts: June 12, 2007

First off, I really need to write. Believe me, I want to and I hate myself for not writing, but everytime I sit down and try…nothing comes. It’s weird and it’s freaking me out, but it’s true. Nothing’s coming. I have no inspiration. I am dead. Plus I have been feeling kind of awful lately. I haven’t been getting much sleep, (it’s been a little better recently,) and I have been just a wreck on some days. Don’t ask me why…I don’t really know. I just know that for the past few nights I have just been lying in bed wide awake. I have nothing to do…I’m staring at the clock…I know that I have to get up in six hours, but sleep just never comes. Then, I get the urge to write. I plan out each word in my head, see it in print, and just want to throw off the covers, turn on my computer, and write. I would have if only I didn’t need to get up in six hours and I was actually able to stay up late and just write. That’s what I want to do…just write. I want to sit here and just write. Whatever comes to me…whatever I want. I really want to get my hourglass story published and all, but I don’t know. I will do it. I know that I will. I am the last person to back out on something like this, but I just can’t write well when I am told what to write and when I have a deadline. I have a deadline… I can’t stop freaking out about it. It was about a month away and I have been freaking out. I am nervous, I can’t write, and it’s just freaking me out…Grr, I am so frustrated right now and I just want to tell somebody. I want to, but I can’t. My friend just packed up today and of course she’ll be leaving forever…Forever. Forever is a very long time. Very long…

Wow…I just ranted on and wrote that in a little under two minutes. I don’t even think I was thinking when I wrote that…Let me pause and read that…

Okay, a little frustration was being let out…I feel a bit better but my DOOM feeling is still here…Long story…Anyways, crap some depressing piano music just came on…I don’t want to be sad. Oh well. Anyways, I will try to continue becuase I have been saving this inside too long and I need to write about it. For every night that I have been wanting to do this, I don’t care if I have to get up in a few hours. I will stay up and write this no matter how long it takes. I haven’t been sleeping well anyways, so it’s not like I’m actually wasting precious sleep time…So, let’s see if I can calm down and actually plan out my words. I kind of doubt that that will actually happen. I am a little stressed out right now, but I need to write, even if it’s crap. I must!

So, I will begin with something…I’ve gotta’ sort out my thoughts a bit before I write this, but I don’t have time and I just want to write. I am sorry if this is all jumbled, but my mind has been a bit jumbled recently. I haven’t been able to think straight. Each time I actually sat down to write, my mind was so screwed up that I just couldn’t think straight. People e-mailed me and I actually replied asking them to wait until I could get my thoughts together and actually reply when I wasn’t so confused. They did, which was nice. Anyways, it seems like so much has been going on recently and time is going so fast. It’s already June 12! I can’t believe that! It seems like I just got out of school a few days ago, and I’ve been draining each minute out of every day that I can…I’ve been going to bed around eleven to midnight, (of course it doesn’t mean that I fall asleep at that time,) and I have been waking up at six or seven each day. I have plenty of time, but it’s all being drained away. I’ve even been asked to babysit many times so far this summer, but was never able to. I’ve been so busy that I am broke from not working…

Let’s see…my guild has been taking up most of my time I would say. It’s summer so I have all this time to work on it and I have been. Members are leaving all the time and they are complaining that the members aren’t active enough. The front page is a mess right now since the website that it is on changed from HTML coding to CSS coding and I am forced to redraw an entire new layout and re-code it. I don’t even know CSS that well! The guild is frustrated that it’s taking me so long to draw a new one, and to be honest, I haven’t started on it yet. I also have requests from school that I never got around to and are just sitting on my list. The other day, I was looking over the list, and it felt so strange to erase one of the requests off of it. As “Horse for Grandfather” was slowly disappearing from the paper as I dragged the end of my pencil back and forth, I could only think, “I never knew him…It’s no surprise that I’m not sad that he died. I mean he was my third one, but shouldn’t I feel something? My real grandfather took his own life and I didn’t feel pain about that…Why is that? Just becuase you don’t know a person, it doesn’t mean that you should be heartless when they’re gone, right?” I don’t know…It just seemed so weird and uncomfortable to erase a request from my list because the person died…It was like I was erasing him from my life. Well I have been using every moment of my life right now working on the guild. I have made an entire new website for my guild (it’s still not finished of course,) I’ve been posting, giving out prizes for the games, (then having to come up with another game right after that,) and I have just wiped out my entire council. The four members in my guild that were “higher” in the guild with actual jobs to do were never on and the other members were getting upset, so I wiped them out and am now taking applications until next Sunday. I’ve been getting some applications, but not everybody has been filling out the appropriate designated forms that I took time to write out…That makes me very frustrated. So the guild is getting to be a hassle right now, yet I cannot keep it off my mind. Making up new games, new contests, new pages on the website, a new layout, new pictures for it, a new council, new polls, etc. I’m going nuts! Plus keeping up with members birthdays and giving them presents. I missed one last week and didn’t realize it…Crap! I just realized that I forgot to send them a present. Shoot, I need to do that…Today I gave out all the presents that I owed, and I cannot believe that I forgot that one. Oui…

I am very busy right now and I wish that I could just leave it all behind and just sleep or something. Of course I can’t though, because I can’t get to sleep. Why can’t I get to sleep? Is there something physically wrong with my body? Am I actually depressed like my friend thinks I am? Is that stopping me from sleeping? What is wrong with me? Holy crap… So, I have a lot to do and I really just want to drop it all and feel fine. I want to feel fine. I want my DOOM feeling to go away, I want my constant headaches to go away, my worries, my troubles, just everything… This past week I have just been wishing that I could just leave the world behind. You know, I haven’t really cared about anything recently. Everything I like haven’t been very interesting lately… I could live without my stuff, I wouldn’t care if a tornado tore through my house, who cares if something happened to me? That type of stuff… I don’t know. I don’t usually think like this. I am usually optimistic and try to push everything away and be heartless, but it hasn’t been working recently and I just don’t care. I wish I could explain this to people, but I really doubt that anybody is actually going to read this. I wish that you would, but even if you did, it’s not like you would understand how I feel right now. Like my friend…I don’t think that she understands everything about me. My DOOM feeling…I don’t think anybody gets that. I named it that myself actually becuase it’s this terrible ache that takes over my entire insides from my heart all the way down through my stomach. It aches really bad like this huge, empty feeling. Whenever I have it, all I can think of is, “DOOM,” so that is where it’s name came from. Sometimes it is followed by a weird series of tremors and shakes that I have no clue where they come from. I just shake and tremble with the terrible aching emptiness inside me and then I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything while I shake with a terrible pain that keeps DOOM on my mind which really sucks… So, that’s part of what I feel, especially right now…ouch…it really hurts.

So, I’ve been down lately. Two days ago, a glass bottle of Vodka fell on my dad’s right leg. There was a huge gash that ripped into the flesh of his leg from his knee down to his ankle. Blood was spilling all over his leg and of course alcohol was seeping into the wound and burning through his skin and stuff. I freaked out and ran out of the kitchen where it happened, unable to do anything. I cried, I admit. I cannot stand the sight of blood or anything medical and I flipped and couldn’t do anything. My dad screamed and yelled very loudly. It was only the third time in my life that I had ever heard him cry… I was so terribly sad, especially because it was all my mom’s fault. She was reaching for some ice cream in the freezer, causing the bottle to roll from atop the fridge where it sat, crashing into my innocent dad who had just finished mowing the lawn while the rest of my family had just gotten back from swimming. His day had already sucked…he didn’t do anything wrong…he didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t even his fault. That makes me extremely mad and I am way closer to my dad than I am my mom for some reason, so I was a little upset that it was her fault that he was in a lot of pain. I know it was an accident and everything but I just can’t get over it…While my dad was running out the door to the car to go to the hospital downtown, 30 minutes away, my mom turned to me and asked if her ice cream had been returned to the freezer. In all that chaos and stuff that she had caused, she was worried about her ice cream melting. That made me upset also…

Well, I’m feeling a bit better I guess… What else can I rant about? Oh yes, I know… I have been so out of it recently, that I have been weighing myself about everyday. I haven’t been hungry for a while although my stomach is constantly growling, yet my stomach has been hurting a lot. It isn’t hunger though…it’s just this weird pain and whenever I think of food at those points, it makes me sick. So, I have been skipping meals a lot and stuff and my weight has been dropping and gaining from three to five pounds everyday! It’s been hovering around this one point and the five pounds above and below that, but since I have been feeling better recently, it’s gone down to a weight below that point that I haven’t been at for a few years now. It’s a little odd but whatever. My weight’s been at this constant for about three days in a row now.

So I am running out of ideas and I think that I am feeling a lot better now…I think that my DOOM feeling is gone…until I write it of course and now I am thinking of it…it’s coming back. Great… See, I know that this is all in my head. I’m just crazy or something. I’m whacked in the head and I am making myself sick. This is stupid. This thought always haunts me, but maybe I am depressed. My grandmother is bipolar or something and is always depressed. So was her husband, (my grandfather,) who jumped off a building. It’s in my family. It’s really likely that I am. My friend keeps saying that I am and giving clues that I am. I don’t want to be, but nobody cheers me up and tries to agree with me that I’m not. Why not? Do I act depressed? Do I look depressed? I don’t know… Maybe they’re right. Maybe they’re all right…But I really don’t want to be…I really want to be normal and happy. I want to live a normal happy life and not be sad, yet sad thoughts are always haunting me.

That just made me think of some more that I wanted to rant about…I while back, when I did my first My Thoughts, crap…my shakes and tremors are coming making it very hard to type…anyways, I mentioned that my only friend was moving this summer and I would have no one here with me next year and all. That made me sad and I was dreading next year. That was until that my family and I made big plans this summer…I was going to fly down to Texas, just me, and see my grandparents and my only cousin. I was going to Bible Camp to hang out with some old friends and stuff. After a week and a half, I would drive up to Colorado with my grandparents and my cousin to meet up with the rest of my family there. For another two weeks we would go camping, hiking, rapid-riding, explore through forests, etc. I was so excited, but…not, at the same time. I still got horribly sad when I thought of “this summer” because my friend was moving and all and I still have another three years here alone until my mom retires and we move out of this state, so I couldn’t be happy with the thoughts of our vacation. As summer came nearer, I really wanted to be happy, but it seemed to get worse. This whole not-eating thing started and my body seemed to be going all wacky. My DOOM feeling came along with the trembles, and I got into a really bad state. My friend started calling me depressed and I went into states like I used to when I was about nine and ten years old. I thought this had all left, but obviously I was wrong. So, I decided to be heartless one day. It was one day on the bus to school that I decided that I wouldn’t care about anything that went on… My friend was moving, who cared? The only other friends I had that are all sophomores are all going to the other high school next year, so what? I can’t take art next year, why do I need it anyways? Why do I need friends? Why do I need anything? I can be fine, sitting here alone on this bus seat everyday… I can walk the halls alone…I already do. It would just be a little more…after school…before school…on weekends. I would just be alone all the time. So what? It was a great plan. I kept it up for about a week, not caring. It felt good. I really wanted to be sad inside and I knew that the feelings were there, but I just pushed them away and smiled. My DOOM feeling was gone, I felt a little bit better. I wasn’t happy…I wasn’t sad…I felt nothing. I had no emotion. So I had decided to be heartless. It was all working out until I went on the Bismarck Band Day Parade and had a chat with one of my friend’s friends. She told me that she had gone through what I had and had decided to be heartless. She reccomended that I stopped immediately because it wasn’t good for me. She said that all of her sad feelings still got trapped inside her and that after a few weeks she “crashed and burned”. She said that she fell into a worse depression than before and lost a ton of weight. She actually told me to see a psychiatrist just as my friend had. She also told me to tell my parents, just as my friend had, yet they still don’t know anything about how I feel. My shakes are getting really bad now… So I continued being heartless, but it just wouldn’t work. I couldn’t stop thinking of “crashing and burning” and slowly slinked back into this again. Once again, I cared when people mentioned “this summer” or “next year” and I was sad about my friend moving away again. Pains and shivers returned, yet things got worse. I did stay a little optimistic however. For once, I felt excited about this summer for my plans only and could actually put my friend moving aside…I felt a little happiness hidden away in my summer months, and could smile every now and then. Everything was going a little better until just recently when I found out that it was too expensive to fly me down. I will not be going down to Texas and I will not be going to Bible Camp this year. I won’t see old camp friends, or see my cousin in Texas, go to the camp, or hang out with my grandparents without my family…It wasn’t that bad. I had heard my parents speaking alone in the bedroom about how expensive it was for the past few days and knew it was coming…At least we were still going to Colorado. It’s not like I wasn’t going to see my grandparents or my cousin at all…That was until that got cancelled too.

Now I sit here, every happy moment of my summer being taken away. My friend is moving, (she’s already packed out and leaves in a few days,) my vacation is called off, I am freaking out, I feel terrible, I need to write my hourglass story, the list goes on…Oh yeah, my grandfather died, my dad got seriously injured…I just feel so bad right now. I really don’t know what to do. I want to be happy, but what can I do? I have nothing to look forward to. I might have just spent the last moment with my friend ever. She’s going to Tennessee. I don’t plan to go anywhere near Tennessee anytime soon…I have only met one of my old childhood friends once which was last summer, only because I was going to my hometown for vacation where she happens to still live. I have no family in Tennessee, I’ll be living here and then back in Texas most likely for the rest of my life. I might have very well just said goodbye to my friend forever…

Forever is a long time…

I just don’t know what to do, but right now my mind is occupied. I have a guild to run, a story to write, and some old art requests to draw… Now if I could just get some sleep…