My Thoughts: January 9, 2009

January 9, 2009

January 9, 2009

I’ve been feeling kind of down lately…Just…miss things…Wrote this rant up during English class but had to stop suddenly when the bell rang…It’s retarded I know.

This is stupid. Life is stupid. I am stupid. I don’t want to listen or think right now. I know that I need to know this and I need to pay attention because I wasn’t here for this, I never learned, this but I just want to rant…Oh my gosh! I want to rant! I do need to talk, just…it would take a while, and it would be boring for someone to listen, and it would just make me sound stupid. Ugh. I hate this. Why am I even writing this? I really miss Magic Pens. I really do. I want to write, rant, get feedback, hear from my friends, Mr. Gifford…see my thoughts on my blog. See the stars, my drawing, the words and buttons. Man, I miss my blog. I didn’t realize this. I just miss…Minot…I was successful there…2nd Chair in Band, (and 1st Chair moved over the summer,) 99% in Math that I found easy to understand, a good foothold on everything, just…That was my school. I know that school. I am comfortable with that school. I have all the requirements, the knowledge, the friends…I know what was going on, what I had to do. Now…I’m lost…I feel lost. I still feel new here. Maybe I’m just retarded, but I don’t know if I’ll ever feel at home here…I’ll go here for almost two years, about the same as at Minot, so why? What is it? Minot actually seems welcoming to me…Taft…is so cold. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I just miss everything! I miss my room, my house, my neighborhood, living on base, my bus, the carpeted floors, sunroofs, easy layouts, the classrooms, and oh my gosh, the people! I…even just miss seeing some of my classmates…my teachers, friends, and neighbors. I’ll see someone at Taft and think its someone from Minot until I realize it wasn’t and I feel an aching pain in my stomach. And…it pains me…to think of Ryan of course. I really miss him as well. I don’t know what I’m saying. I have so many thoughts in my mind…I can’t write fast enough…It’s all a jumble. I want to draw. Man, I want a lot of things. I want to draw, but I can’t. I tried. I can’t. I suck. I can’t just draw what’s in my mind all the time so easily. It’s so hard…most artists can…so easily. I hate that. I don’t know what it is about me. I am really not as great as everybody thinks I am. I REALLY am not. I often hate myself. But not always… There are times where I am proud and confident. And…truth is…I have nothing to be proud of because…I still fail. I keep saying it over and over, but it’s true, and it’s all I can think about. I must seem so stupid. I just can’t explain how bad it makes me feel. I just…I feel I deserve it. I’m sorry. That’s kind of selfish, but it’s…what I think. I try. You know I try. So many people tell me to chill out. I don’t think I need to chill out, although I would LOVE to. I try so hard, but I still…am not good enough. I’m not good enough for anyone or anything. So…I’m not trying hard enough…or I just suck. I don’t think I try quite as hard as I could. I kind of have this rule that I don’t do any work before school, like when I awake I have about two hours before I get on the bus but I don’t let myself do homework or anything. And I haven’t gone before or after school for help yet. I don’t know… But I don’t think I am doing quite all that I can. Ugh. I don’t know really why I am down, or what I want, or what I feel I deserve or whatever. Just…stupid stuff is stupid. Gah, this is so ridiculous. I hate working, I hate trying, but I do. I want to, I have to. I cannot let people down, especially myself and that is very easy to do. I just cannot stand it.