I stared intently into the frightened eyes that stared in reply. My chest was heaving from the vigorous fight and sweat dripped from my hot forehead as I held a stern face. I glared at my victim with pride held within me. I held out my long sword, just rubbing against the Qurk’s neck. He was cowering on the floor before me, backing away from me slowly with his arms behind him. As I studied his face intensely, his eyes spoke of the fear that was held within him. I would recognize his face anywhere. He was the one. I held my stance above the alien as I regained my breath.
I wanted to make this moment last. This revenge was to be sweet.
Standing before the Qurk that I had been tracking for the past two years, memories began to return to me. Memories…that I had hoped would never return.
– – –
It was but an ordinary day when I was of ten years that I first saw the eyes that were staring back at me now. Just five years ago… It doesn’t seem like it was that long now. I remember watching my younger sister by three years play with her dolls spread across the floor of our house. My mother was busy with housework while my father was resting from his day. I remember that dusk had just fallen and darkness blanketed the land outside. A heavy rain had just begun with flashes of lightning and booms of thunder to follow. It was a dreary day, but a normal day at the most.
My family was caught by surprise when our front door was thrown to the floor with a crash and a large, ugly creature entered our house. I remember staring into the small, dark eyes of the Qurk just before it turned and stared into my own. Water dripped from his bare skin as he stood for a moment and took in the scene. That was where the creature went wrong, for I got a good stare at his face. My sister screamed as the creature came charging into the family room where we were all located. I turned quickly and hid behind the couch, hoping that the creature wouldn’t find me.
I am ashamed of what I had done now. I hid from the event. I wished that it would go away. How could I have done that? How could I have just hid and not have done anything to prevent it? I should have stood up to him and fought with pride. But I didn’t.
I remember closing my eyes in fear. I covered my head with my arms as I let fear sweep over me. I could not move. I could only listen. I listened to the horrid screams of my family as they were beaten to the ground by the fierce creature. The Qurk then began to look for me as I listened from my secret place. I heard slams of furniture as it tore through our house with fury. My young heart was pounding, and I was afraid that he would hear the loud beats. I breathed heavily and quickly covered my mouth with my hand to muffle the sound. I was paralyzed with fear as I crouched there and waited.
I waited in darkness just before I heard the Qurk step before the couch. I could hear his deep breaths as he grasped the couch. It slowly began to move away from the wall as I began to panic. Light flooded into my hiding space along with the deep feeling of suspense.
Suddenly there was a loud bellow from outside. The sound of a horn rang into our house through the empty doorway. The Qurk suddenly released his grip on the furniture as I held my breath. I waited as I listened to groans of the alien. Just as I heard him turn from the couch, I released a deep sigh. I peered my head out just a bit and noticed the Qurk with his back to me. I watched him look out the window into the stormy night before snatching my family and throwing them over his back with his great strength. His footsteps were heavy as he trudged out of our home and into the wet night.
I watched him leave. I watched him steal my family. I watched it all.
And I did nothing.
– – –
My pride had fallen for a moment as I re-witnessed the event. I quickly shook the memory from my mind as I glared at the Qurk. I fallen spoke to the creature, still holding my pose.
“Do you know who I am?” I did not wait for a response as I continued. “Do you know what you have done to me? Stealing my family from me. Leaving me to suffer in guilt?”
The Qurk spat at me as he grumbled in his own tongue. I was unsure if he could even understand me, but this wasn’t for him. It was for me.
“I trained afterwards. I trained for this fight. I prepared, and I learned to track. I have followed you for the past two years. Did you know that? I know where you have been, what you have done. And I have caught you now. I have caught you and fought you. And now you lie before me. What a shame.” I paused to laugh and mock at him. I could now see the fear that was in him turn to a deep rage. I smiled as he gave me what I wanted. He was upset. “Yes, I stand before you now. Yet, that won’t be for long. I cannot let you take my family from me without paying the consequences y’know.”
I held my sword at his throat while I waited to prolong his suffering. I wanted him to feel as I did five years ago. Waiting in fear… Waiting in the darkness of shame and guilt. I wanted this to last. My smile turned wicked as evil thoughts brewed through my mind. I felt as if I had power, and I liked it.
Just then, there was a scream as the Qurk’s blood spilled on the wall. I smiled in satisfaction. I had taken my revenge.
First paragraph after the first break; this sentence doesn’t make sense with the comma where it is: “I remember watching my younger sister, by three years play with her dolls spread across the floor of our house.” You should put another comma after “years”. Or you could reword it something like: “I remember watching my sister, who was three years my junior, play with her dolls spread across the floor of our house.”
First paragraph after the second break; the last sentence doesn’t make sense.
Plural form of “breath” is “breaths”.
Other than that, it was interesting. I’m not the type who goes out for all the revenge hype, but the story was good.
Thanks for catching the mistakes. I knew something didn’t look quite right on those two sentences. I was really out of it when I wrote this story. I have cold and I feel all groggy. My writing-mind is kind of foggy right now. My tissue box is my best friend right now. O.o
I’m caught up with your entries to Our World. Finally. Now I have to check out what others have contributed.
Thank you for reading!
I like it. Truthfully. *ponders* I guess the only thing that really bothered me much was that the person didn’t have a name and you (really, me) don’t know if the character you’ve formed an sympathy towards is a girl or a boy. I suppose most of that will come later, but if there was a name I’d know to connect it to future short stories rather than just knowing quite a bit about this random person’s past. If you want to keep the gender hidden then you can pick a name that could be either male or female. I guess I just assume that the character is a girl (because of some of the thoughts that the character has said) but I could be mistaken… and… as I’m sure you can tell, it’s kind of making my head hurt. 🙂 Otherwise, well done.
The only thing I would add to the above comments is an…oddness or inconsistency in the dialogue, not that there is much. Quote:
“Yes, I stand before you now. Yet, that won’t be for long. I cannot let you take my family from me without paying the consequences y’know.”
The “y’know” seems out of place with the rest of the sentences. I think the other sentences sound more mature, but the tacking on of y’know makes the narrator sound more childish, I think.
I felt that it was a female narrator as well, but I wasn’t bothered by the lack of name.
Nice. I liked it.
I have Parts B & C posted for my Our World story, if you want to check ’em out.
AHHhhh!! Advertisement!!! It’s like a commercial! Gross! lol. JK, um… I’ll have to agree with Mr. G. since he brought it up, the y’know is out of place… but I still think there should be a name to connect stories. 🙂
ive been slacking… Revenge, Revenge is sweet, and cold. Revenge is also the name of an OW story. I thought it was a guy at first but I guess, (now that you brought it up) that a female could also be as cruel. Lots o’ good details, I need to learn how to detail a story. Very good, Vice President… I think I’ll call u Komrade Broono.. in a Russian voise of course (thanx 4 teaching me how to spell course also)
One other thing I forgot… he/she should have a copper sword… back to Brets OW story…
Bret has an Our World story? Guess I’ll have to check it out.
Here I am, always late to the party. I liked the story, you can tell some thought went into it. You’ve created a pretty cool character. The only thing that really doesn’t click is the cliche nature of the story. I definitely don’t mean to offend, and I think you did a good job on putting your own twist on it. Keep up the good work, and I shall struggle to read more of your work whilst writing my own.
I think that I am actually going to rewrite the story and maybe introduce the character more. I want to work with him a little more… (Yes it is a “he.”)