My Thoughts: February 3, 2007

Okay, *sigh* I think that for once, I shall clear my mind of the thoughts that have been collecting for a while. These thoughts have been haunting me, and I have constantly been reminded of my next year of school…or life for that matter, not just school. I figured that this writing will possibly help me figure some things out and I am completely making this up as I go, so I apologize ahead of time if it is pointless, random, and not very well-written. I have never done the whole write-down-your-thoughts thing before…

Well I was originally writing this for my Thought Spot, but quickly came to realize that it was way too long and as I wrote, I felt a new…something. I am not exactly sure what it was that came to my mind because it wasn’t exactly an understanding or a realization, (which basically is an understanding.) Well, it just made me want to put my complicated thoughts into words and as I write this I am finding it more difficult than I thought it was to be.

It was actually one day at school that started the problem as I shared some of my complex thoughts to her. With my mom in the United States Air Force, I have moved quite frequently and have had to say farewell to friends. I have grown used to it, but this time is a little bit different than the others. It was before classes had started and as I stood in the hallway with my friend I told her that I frequently think of things such as if this were to be the last time we ever saw each other: standing together in the halls before classes started. I just thought it odd if that was it… My mom retires in four years, meaning that we are going to return to my home-state of Texas and I thought if this was to be our last time together. I knew that it was a little early, since that was four years ago, but that is the way that my mind thinks. Then, my friend mentioned that her dad retired in one year, and that she was leaving this summer. I was terribly shocked and troubled with this knowledge and it has been tormenting me ever since.

The way I think of friends are basically in categories almost. There are aquaintances: people you may talk to in class, but nowhere else, then school friends: you may talk to in the halls or in class a lot, but never meet outside of school, and then there are true friends: people who you hang out with all the time, talk to, spend time with, invite over, and such. For me, I have always only had one real true friend and have been used to people at school not liking and ignoring me. When I lived in Texas, I had one true friend that was a grade ahead of me and two years older. We were always together, did everything together, and my mother even called her “her second daughter” because she was always at my house. There were others who I knew and that I thought were my friends, but I always heard from other people that they really did not like me and that they thought that I was annoying.

It hadn’t always been like that until I was about eight or nine years old, for I had many friends before who were all guys. Of course the Air Force moved them all away and caused me to have to make new friends all the time, which never happened. When you move to another place and leave your friends behind, I don’t think that it is as bad as having your friend move away from you. After I moved from Texas to Minnesota, I was in a new area with new people. You start out fresh and begin to find which people like you and which don’t. You are able to make new friends, but when you are left behind, you are with the same people who have already decided not to be your friends, (or they are already your friends.) There is no starting out fresh, or making new friends because there are no new people. Once you have been rejected, that is basically it.

I have heard people mock me and talk about me many times, (once just last week.) I already know who are my friends and who aren’t here and my only true freshman friend has told me that she is moving. Luckily, I have three true friends in this state unlike the one from Texas and the one from Minnesota, but one doesn’t live in Minot, and the other is a sophomore going to Magic City next year.

I already know that I will not have any true friends with me at school next year, and have already felt a taste of what it is to be like. It was one day that my friend brought up her move and I pushed it to the back of my mind during my first and second hours. It was in third hour that I was reminded of my lack of friends for whenever we have to pick partners in class, I am never chosen and I always get the “leftovers” of the class. It was in Spanish class that we had to choose partners and I already knew the outcome when my teacher began asking each person who their partner was. The people in my class always chose the same people and she had boredom in her voice as she guessed, “Julia y Estef? Margarita y Diego? Melisa y Ana? Lola y Kristina? Patricia y Katalina?” Of course when she had gotten to me, I was the last person and no one had chosen me. “María y…” There was no one left and I was paired with the teacher for the second day in a row. It was then that I remembered of my friend’s moving plans and began to actually wonder of who would be my friend next year. If no one chose me in class just to be a partner, then who would choose me outside of class to be a friend?

Afterwards I went to Gym and because I was in a very somber mood, I did not play volleyball to my best ability, causing one person on my team to frequently yell, scowl, and insult me. After Gym, I did not speak to anyone like I usually do and I quickly changed and left the room. I sat in a corner, waiting for the bell to ring so the day would quickly fade away and I could just go home. When I sat down at my lunch table during first lunch with (at that time) six sophomores, there was only two three seated as the other three were still getting there meals. I was deeply saddened from my day, and slumped in my chair, not eating my food. The week before, one of my friends from the table had been drastically sad and when one person said that she looked as if she was about to cry, she did and went to the bathroom. I noticed that one person from the table noticed that I was sad and she said, “Okay, I don’t want you to, but it looks as if you are going to cry.” I was happy that she at least noticed, for she was the first person to notice all day, and unfortunately I did tear a bit. I explained my situation with my only freshman friend moving and my day reminding me of my lack of friends, finishing just before the other three sat down. As they sat, they talked amongst themselves happily, chatting and acting as if I wasn’t even there. After about ten minutes of being unnoticed, the one friend who had noticed my unhappiness earlier began to make gestures towards me. The people at my lunch table caught her gestures and began to look around me, behind me, and all around. “What? What is it?” I drastically felt invisible as they looked right past me, trying to figure out what she was gesturing at until one asked, “Do you mean Noelle? What’s wrong with Noelle?” The friend who had been making gestures was then astounded at their cluelessness and shook her head. Of course everybody was now staring at me, and could not figure out what about me until one just flat out said it, “Oh, she’s crying!” I was terribly embarrassed and ashamed. I retold my story as they tried to explain that they just didn’t notice me. That didn’t exactly make me feel better. As the day went on, only one other asked me about my unusual behavior.

When I was finally home, I thought that it was to get better and I would hopefully forget about it. My dad noticed my unhappiness and asked me about it, forcing me to tell him why I was sad. When I told him, he yelled at me and told me that it was all my fault. I was surprised at his actions as he explained that I was too quiet and too unsocial. He told me that it was my own fault to why I didn’t have many friends and that I shouldn’t be sad. I felt terribly ignored and outcasted in a way…

Now, months later, I have pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind. Every day however, the thoughts seem to find some way to escape and have tormented me with thoughts of next year. I have constantly thought of who would be my friend, who I would hang out with, and who I would ride the bus with. In all of these situations, there is only one person and she won’t be here next year. A few times my friend has been absent or has not ridden the early bus to school with me for she does not have a first hour and I have been given a feel of what next year has in store for me. I am the first stop on the bus and sit in the same seat each time, the spot with the back wheel, and when my friend isn’t there for me to talk to, I usually sit and watch the people board and pass me, hoping that one would at least talk to me. Of course after the last stop, I am left alone and no one speaks to me. When we get to the school, I stop by locker in the commons as usual but instead of going to the corner where I usually go with my friend, I stay out in the commons. People pass by me without a word and don’t look or speak to me. There is one person who does speak to me however, bringing up my hopes and causing me to think that I may possibly have another friend until she asks me if I know where my friend is. As I tell her that I don’t, she leaves me to sit there alone.

Just recently, I have planned out my schedule until graduation and it has caused me to think of next year again. Because of the assigned history classes, I will not be able to take any art classes and my next year is not looking very bright for me. I have been in mixed emotions lately, mainly mellow and deep in thought. I have once again been trying to figure out who could be my friends next year, but unless someone new moves here and likes me, I may be alone.