I tried a new technique with this story, so please read and tell me what you think of it. Please tell me if you can clearly see what is happening. The ending needs some work, so please help me with that.
There was nothing but silence that lay over the darkness of the forest as if a blanket had muffled out the very existence of life. The precious sun hid its warming luster from the Earth, finally allowing the moon to shed its own vague beams upon the snow covered land, and urging the millions of shining stars to emerge from their concealment. All across the vast navy of the night sky, sprinkles of light complimented the moon as it sang throughout the night, spreading its cold glow about the frost. The sky seemed to be an open doorway to the galaxy beyond as it shimmered in all its beauty, unharmed by man. The vastness did not seem to overpower the land before it, only add to the true artistry of nature.
Beneath the desolate sky, trees stretched their woeful branches to the moon, spreading their leaves over the forest floor. Beneath the protective covering of foliage, the sheltered wood was kept from the sight of the stars, left to reside in darkness. There was not one sound that interrupted this pure grace and even the wind ceased to blow. The silent whisper of winter echoed throughout the trees, unheard by the living. All was still, and all was calm.
Glimmering from the moon’s phosphorescence, snowflakes carefully graced the land. They covered the forest beneath their icy veil, untouched by any living creature. The curtain of white was laid upon the land by the smoothest of hands without any disruption of tracks or imperfections of wind. Everything seemed to shine beneath the crystals of ice and everything seemed to be perfect.
There was nothing here but the exquisiteness of nature. The trees stood still. The moon hung in the sky. The snow rested upon each branch with perfect balance.
One beam of moonlight found itself being splashed through the opening of trees upon the snow of the forest floor. A small clearing lay surrounded by the trees that protected it within the center of the forest. This one area was blessed to see the stars as they danced and twinkled with delight. There in the silence, it watched and the stars twinkled.
It was through this complete silence of a winter night in which an animal ventured through the lone clearing of the woods. There was no one there to watch as the doe quietly took its steps into the clearing, its dark beady eyes glancing from tree to tree. No one was there to know that the doe had been suffering throughout the winter, searching for food that was not there. It stopped within the center of the clearing and brought its head up to stare into the night sky as if the moon would somehow bring it hope. It did not speak. It did not move. It did not breath.
The doe just stared.
After a moment of silence, the calm animal brought its head to the snow, shivering from the frigid cold that grasped its thin coat. It moved its muzzle through the snow as it searched for a mere scrap to eat. Did anybody know that the doe was starving? Did anybody know? Realizing that there would not be any food within this frozen land, the mammal curled its legs underneath itself as it rested within the frosty comfort. It kept its head up, its ears alert and listening for danger at all times. Quiet puffs of moisture emitted through its nostrils, reminding the poor creature of the temperature as it waited and rested within Death itself. As the breaths passed through the dryness of the creature’s throat, a sharp pain followed with the sting of the thin air around. The doe could not do anything when trapped in the prison of winter, but wait for the miracle of spring to arrive. There was nothing to do but wait and wait.
There was silence in the night with the lone deer resting in the snowy clearing of the forest. The moon watched helplessly as the animal slowly began to lower its head, closing its eyes. The stars momentarily stopped twinkling and gave their respect to the strong being. Even the trees seemed to bend their branches in tribute with the doe slowly slipping away, its life ebbing into the night.
With its dark chin brushing up against the snow and its ears resting back upon its head, the deer’s last breath passed through its mouth. The final puff of condensation was exhaled. The last blink of the deer was given. The end of the breaths came and the doe’s chest rose and fell no more. Life quietly snuck away from the deer under the placid moonlight within the snow, and no one knew of it.
Not long afterwards, a stray beam of light broke the dim horizon. The stars overhead began to fade as the sky brightened, announcing the come of morning with reds and oranges. The moon took a final glance at the doe before sinking below the horizon itself, casting its last luminescence upon the snow before departure. The trees gave their farewells before greeting the new sun with their outstretched branches. A new hope was arisen with the coming of morning as the long night had finally been endured and the doe was forgotten in the memories of time. The sun gave a cheery yawn of luster, awakening from its deep slumber before welcoming the new day with a bright radiance of sunlight. A faint breeze began to blow through the forest carrying the sweet melody of distant songbirds upon its gusts. No longer were the woods shrouded in the curse of silence. No longer did they suffer in the darkness of winter night.
Yet throughout the hope that was painted across the new fallen snow, the land knew what was to come once more. It expected to see another dreary winter night, with the stillness of Death enclosing everything within the shadows of darkness and to feel the intense bite of the cold, frigid air. It knew that it must withstand more nights of winter before finally meeting with spring, and even then, must cope with the many winters to follow. The deer symbolized the weakness that Life bore against Death, showing that all things must pass at one time. All things must undergo hardships in the eternal circle of life.
“urging the millions of shining stars to emerge from concealment…”
I think you should cut out “From concealment”. I think it sounds better.
“Glimmering from the moon’s phosphorescence, snowflakes carefully graced the land with their presence.”
It just…sounds weird. I think it’s because it rhymes. Might want to fix that.
“One beam of moonlight found itself being splashed through the opening of trees upon the snow of the forest floor.”
Gah…I just thought this sentance was cool…:D
“The stars momentarily stopped twinkling and gave their respect to the strong herbivore.”
Herbivore..I don’t like that word. Makes me think Dinosaur. :/
“Even the trees seemed to bend their branches in tribute with the doe slowly slipping away, slowly leaving life.”
I think “leaving life” is a strange way of putting it. I think it should be somewhat more natural such as “losing life” or something like that.
“Life quietly snuck away from the deer under the placid moonlight within the snow, and no one knew of it.”
Ooh, I love this sentance as well!
Anyways, awesome story. The ending kind of sounded a little rough, as well as the beginning. I really liked the detail of its death.
Well, you did a very nice job over all, and I really enjoyed it. 🙂
And from the mists I emerge. I promise to get reading on some of your stuff, but first, is your new layout using screencaps from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion?
The 360 version totally pwns either of those. >> Anyway.
Who is this Randall character?
Hardy har har. x.x;
I will soon… I’m finally caught up with my own classwork.
OK,read. One quick comment: luminescence is not a good word for describing the sun’s rays. It’s a cold light. Much better for the moon.
Otherwise, fine. Nice description. Hard to keep my attention without dialogue or action. It’s a style thing, though…
I’d venture that it was the life of a North Dakota deer, but there was mention of trees, so, I guess not.
I kid. I did get the message, and you did a very good job of getting it off powerfully. Admittedly, the style is a little slow, but its power makes up for it.
Yes, as I have mentioned before, I am using awesome screenshots from the most awesome game ever, Oblivion. These are screenshots from the PC version, but I have the PS3 version at home.
I haven’t played the 360 version, but I do know that the PS3 version comes with the expansion packs already in it and it will have some downloadables later.
Have either of you read this story yet? I would really appreciate it if you did becuase I really want some feedback on it.