My Thoughts: July 8, 2007

So, I guess I’m gonna’ rant…

I need to write, I want to write, and I feel awful, so awful, that I haven’t been writing. Seriously, I feel an emptiness within me, plus this dreadful feeling that says that I have left all you guys down…I don’t know who is reading this, but if there is anybody reading this, I am sorry. I am sorry that I haven’t been writing. I am sorry that I haven’t been active. I am sorry that I haven’t been doing some Check Ups on time, (I haven’t missed one yet, however,) and I am sorry for somewhat disappearing for a long period of time.

I am freaking out here and I am a little worried. If any of you have read my previous My Thoughts, you would understand that there is a lot on my mind, but I also have a lot to do right now. I am sure my life will get even busier though when my mom leaves for Afghanistan for 5-6 months. Anyways, I have been really busy and haven’t had much time for writing. This really sucks…

I was outside earlier since my 11 year and 8 year old neighbors got me. They come over everyday asking me to come out, and I can never say “no” to anybody. So, I went outside and I was lying on their trampoline since they were just sitting there. While I was lying there, all I could do was think of how I still had to do my Check Up, plus take out the trash, take my shower…and then my mind began to scroll over the to-do list that I have in my mind. I have a lot on it, especially art requests. So, I couldn’t think of anything else…I couldn’t even relax.

It’s one of my favorite things…Lying, looking up at the sky, (which was cloudless and blue by the way, my favorite,) with some trees hanging not quite over me, but still in view…It was so great, but I couldn’t enjoy it. That’s when something I had told Mr. Gifford came in mind. “I really just want to sit outside and let the world go…” I really do wish that I could, but even when I try, I can’t stop thinking… I think of what I have done, what I need to do, and what I am still working on. I think of why I am just sitting there, relaxing, when I could be working on something from my to-do list. I could be doing something important rather than just lying there. Of course, then I am feeling guilty and I’ll either get up and do something important or I will continue to lie there and think over what I need to do. Sometimes, personal issues and thoughts come up, but I am actually feeling a lot better about that stuff now… It’s probably since I am not in school, because that is the time when there is nobody with me and when I feel alone. Whenever my friend was absent or something last year, I would stand in a corner if I felt like it, hoping somebody would join me or talk to me. Sometimes somebody would actually stop and come up to me, which made me really happy, but then they would totally upset me. “Where’s Hannah?” After I replied, they would leave without another word…

So, this upcoming school year will probably suck, but at least I won’t be asked that anymore… I don’t want to think about that right now. I haven’t been really sad since…I don’t even remember, so that’s good. I am just thinking over what I need to do right now which is completely taking over my mind, leaving room for nothing else. I will deal with this for now. *sigh*

So, I need to write, I need time to write, and I really need some inspiration. Not many Magic Pens are on right now which sucks and not many are reading my stuff. But hey, I just said that I wasn’t writing, right? So of course they aren’t reading my stuff, although I did get my submission posted…No readers… So, I don’t know. I do have this rant which will be published in a bit. Rants aren’t really good reading material though. They can be enjoyable at times, especailly since they go from one topic to the next, but they aren’t really true, put-your-mind-into-it writings. I need to do one of those… I need to do one of those really badly.

Hey, I got some really awesome scratches yesterday. There are some slashes across my right leg and my right arm…Just thought that I would throw that in there since scratches are so totally awesome. They really burn though…

Yeah, well I feel like crap since I haven’t been writing lately and I feel that I am letting you all down and that I am breaking a promise or something. I want to write a lot like I was known for. Gaah! I need to write some real stuff!

Ooh, I saw The Prestige two days ago. That was a really awesome movie and I can add that with Bridge to Terabithia and Phenomenon as movies that really inspired me afterwards and I thought were really awesome. I wish that I could have thought of a story so awesome as that!

What time is it? 10:13…I’ve gotta’ get up at 6:30 tomorrow…I wonder if I have time to do some real, put-your-mind-into-it writing. I guess I could possibly start. I just really wish that I had the inspiration…