My Thoughts: January 10, 2009 – A Cry For Help

A Cry for Help

A Cry for Help

I feel like a failure…bottom-line, and I feel like everything I care about and work hard at…dies…I don’t know what it is. There’s just been WAY too many things for me to deal with at the moment…

I really really kind of want…need someone to read this…I really need some feedback and this…dead silence…is killing me. Please, people! I need Magic Pens! … 🙁

I am tired of being disappointed and I am tired of feeling useless…I try so hard to be as good a contribution to those around me and to life in general as I can be, to a point, but…I don’t seem to be doing much good. Or if I do bring good, it’s only a temporary high…that will always crash and just leave me even more hurt and scarred than before…I keep getting up and trying to bring everything back to how it was, but I just can’t keep from falling…I know I sound kind of stupid, but this is how I think and feel…

Everyone always tells me that I bring the best out in people…and my teachers say I am their most studious student…my friends say I work too hard, get too little sleep, don’t eat well, take care of myself…I sacrifice myself, and some tell me that they can’t go on without me. I really try to make things better, and I love participating and helping out…I really love, just being a good role model, or just a good person. And then taking something and making it great…I am willing to take time to do that…I love that…That’s what I live for…That’s just…me…

But lately…I…haven’t been doing a good job. I know this…Everybody keeps reminding me of this…I keep letting people down and I am the biggest disappointment in my own eyes. I can’t let people down…I just can’t…Especially not myself, and I have pretty high standards, so it’s quite often. I need feedback…I thrive on words from a friend…and in 9th grade, Magic Pens was one of the greatest helps…I didn’t even realize it. I am so sorry! I am so sorry that I was so blind to it! I didn’t know…I wrote so much in 9th grade. It was awesome. I posted about twice a week, or more…That was just so awesome…and I loved it…I made progress, improvement, new ideas, stories, characters…I had so much fun, and I read a lot of other people’s always leaving HUGE comments…I miss those days so much…I can’t even explain it…I can’t believe how much I miss 9th grade, and even 10th grade… 🙁 I just miss Minot so much…and I can’t explain it, but…I really really miss Magic Pens.

I…have been thinking about this for so long…but I have been so incredibly busy…If I thought I was busy before, then holy crap, I was so wrong! This week I have had a tiny amount of free time…basically just right now (got back from a Writing Competition…) so I was so excited…I was all “Oh my gosh! I want to write something, post on my blog, perhaps draw a new layout, read old stories, read posts by other members, update the website!!! :D” I log on…and…Magic Pens… 🙁 is…gone…? Is it…done? Are we done? Is this it? I mean…Mr. Gifford…he’s leaving? Is that it? No other teacher…will want to do this… No other teacher could do this…Mr. Gifford…we can’t do this without you!

There’s so many things running through my mind…I have had so many let-downs and problems lately…I am seriously fed up with everything, especially myself and fricken time. I hate time! I wish that I had time! I haven’t had some time in so long…I mean, I do have some free time…but I always have some big thing to do…I can’t even list it all…Even over the summer I attended Summer School, and taught a computer class, attended a poetry class, then had to pack and do garage sales and things for moving…This summer was nothing…then school started, and bam! I move…New school and everything and you won’t believe how hard it is to transfer. My whole schedule next year are classes I need for graduation…none are my choice. Plus this school sucks more than Minot…I have officially decided.

College is coming up soon and I still need some help with that. I don’t know what college I want to go to, or should go to, I don’t know how to apply for scholarships, or college, and I don’t know if I’m good enough…My grandmother was upset that I’m not in National Honors Society, and I don’t volunteer often…I did that volunteer teaching that computer class…I’ve still got all A’s 4.0 top of class grades…but…Math is so hard now…they moved me into Pre AP Calculus which I wasn’t in in Minot, so it’s so hard…I might get a B… 🙁 I don’t know if I can pay for college…I have no money saved, nor do my parents…I need to get all A’s and do volunteer, and extra things…College-credit classes, and pass AP exams…I need to find out how to do all these things! I need time for this! I am…college is one of my worst fears right now…it’s coming up way too quickly…I’m so scared…

Took the PSAT…got a 170…I don’t know how good that is, but I don’t think it’s very good…I know two people who did a lot better… :\ I got … disappointing scores… It upsets me greatly…I need to do well on these PSAT SAT something else with an A things…but I don’t even know when and where to take all these things as well…Most people already have…I’m so behind… 🙁

I am so tired of working so hard on something and being disappointed…I can’t tell you all that’s happened to me! There’s too much!

In Band in this school, you can try out for a chair placement at any time…I can’t play well in front of people…so when I try out, I completely suck…In Minot I was 4th chair when I tried out…but the next year, Mrs. Feldner moved me to second because she just knew that I was better than 4th which was the level I played when I was in front of her alone in the auditioning room… :\ This school…anybody can challenge or be challenged for a chair. They stuck me on 8th chair out of 8 because I just moved here…I have to challenge to move up…And out of 3 Bands, 1 being the best, I am in 2nd band…only because I am a junior. They didn’t actually make me audition. Well 7th Chair, Olivia, she annoys me…She texts during class, won’t even play most of the time, she doesn’t show up for concerts, shows, parties, functions, fundraisers, or anything…She was the only one who didn’t get her Secret Santa anything. She doesn’t even bring her music to class! She loses it all and has to look off mine…she doesn’t even practice and just hates band. She said she can’t wait to quit and thinks it’s the worst class…This girl is a chair ahead of me…so I practiced a piece of music so so much and I challenged her. I showed up half an hour early to practice more…then there was the challenge…and I lost. I accept that I lose things when I believe I could have done better and that the winner is better than me and deserves it…but this! This…was just upsetting! I had practiced so hard! I had the song memorized! And she didn’t even know what song it was! She didn’t have it! She basically sight-read it at the Challenge…and she fricken beat me! This story goes on…but I’m just not in the mood…

Math. Math is hard. I hate math…It’s my worst subject…Okay, I get that…but…I try really hard…and I seek help, and take it home and study and work hard at it…Why do I…suck? I am struggling to keep my A…trying so hard…and my math teacher isn’t cutting me any slack for missing the first month of school…And…just…other things…

I need a shoulder to fricken cry on!!! But that’s…a different…topic…

Found out my friend’s pregnant by the way as well…Dropped out of high school, moved away from home and everything. Joy, joy…

Why do I feel like crap…? I feel terrible…I think it’s just cuz’…Magic Pens…I don’t know…Maybe it’s just all these thoughts and feelings all built up…Everything from over the months…I miss Minot…and I fail. And I keep disappointing people and not doing the best and stuff….And I am stressed and have too much to do and everyone is upset with me…And I cry. Mr. Gifford…I can’t believe he’s leaving…He gave up…If he gave up…there’s no hope for me…

I don’t know what to say…my absence…my lack of participation…my suckiness…Everyone says that they have too much to do…I held a position! I ran things, organized things, drew things, did everything! I advertised, created things, managed things…I was right up there but Mr. Gifford…there is no way in the world I could do it without him. No one else would even do what I did…No one else was on enough…or willing to..you can’t make people do that anyways…I volunteered for it all…it was the only way it would get done, and I seriously enjoyed it.

We had to write big essays for English…It was graded on a scale of 1-4, 4 being the best… I worked on mine for like three full class periods, took it home and worked on it, and came before class…I was darn proud of that essay, unlike my other recent ones…and I fricken got a 3. I would be all right with that really if I wasn’t so proud of it…and…my friend got higher than me…Writing’s my thing! Not his! He’s already better than me at everything else…can’t I have…something…?

Mrs. Eno, my English teacher just told me yesterday…I was special to have Mr. Gifford in my life…and to have him with Magic Pens and all you guys…You really do help…and I didn’t realize how much you did…I need you guys…I need to write a story and have Bret and Jared fight over who reads it first…and have Rebecca love it and Desirae quietly read it…Mr. Gifford give advice, Hannah say it’s cool…Randy or Matt may drop by and say hi. And I draw an awesome picture and recode my layout…Get all excited…stay up all night and just read and write…I love that…I loved that…

Why did WordVentures have to die on us? We were going to be prepared! I was looking forward to that! Come on! That was just the coolest thing! Don’t you guys remember that news cast?! “With one book under their belt…these writers are destined for greatness…” We can’t give up! We’re destined for greatness! We can’t…We were so good we were even on the news! Look what we’ve created…look at this…A circle of writers, a group of inspiration…a tight pack of friends…And we got so close to becoming official…If we just kept that up…we would have been so awesome! We can do that! I’m here…I’m here…I’ll do anything! I mean…just ask…If it will save the club, I’ll do it…I’ll find time, I’ll make time…I’ll do it! Please…Just…I don’t want this to die on me as well…

Even my guild…has been dying…One of my best friends and greatest leaders/help with the guild has quit…permanently…Another did as well…and the co-leader, another good friend of mine is so disappointed in me…He’s been doing so much trying to keep the guild alive…I can’t thank him enough…It’s sad…I really…need to do something. I have been working really hard at it though. I don’t want my guild to die either…although it feels almost like it already has. It’s just cuz’ I’m such a terrible leader and everybody else has to pick up my slack and make up for my absences…I try my best, but I just can’t do anything right…I’d promise them I’d never leave…

My Social Studies teacher wants me to write a complete research paper for National History Day by February 5. He said that there’s no doubt that I would win. I have to learn a flute ensemble by February 7ish with only three practices. I just entered an art contest…lots of rules, lots of restrictions…one full week where I dedicated every minute to it…I don’t think I’m going to win…My Spanish teacher wants me to participate in some National Spanish test…I don’t know Spanish that well…I’ll just fail and make a fool out of myself. My English teacher wants me to keep up these Ready Writing Competitions and join Literary Magazine and Journalism. My Science teacher just wants me to finish… (err…start) my Science project for the Science Fair…due January 23rd…

Just from reading this I don’t think you guys will understand…I have so much on my mind, on my chest, on my schedule…

Even my health is scaring me…I’m not sleeping well, or eating well…I’ve been having terrible stomach pains, my knee randomly gave out one day…made me drop my PrismaColor colored pencils on the school floor, then I was late to class, cried in front of my teacher in a breakdown of stress and pain…was forced to the Nurse’s office although I begged not to be sent…she recommended I go home…she told me to…but I had a Math test to take so I refused to go home…A test I did bad on…and I had to wear a brace and couldn’t walk very well…had to use the elevator and stuff…couldn’t bend my knee, or reach my locker…I have a bottom one…that sits on the floor…I’ve been losing blood, too…There are some serious signs I may have an ulcer…My dad does and my grandfather, and I’m showing the same signs as my dad did before we found out about his…I have been getting random pains all over…my new tooth is growing in…from where they pulled out one…and that hurts…the right side of my mouth still hurts when I chew…I get random muscle and bone pains, especially in my wrists, arms, and upper legs, oh and especially hips when I walk. People complain my backpack is WAY too heavy…Then I keep getting aching stomach pains, especially when I am hungry or right after I eat. What is fricken wrong with me!?

4 replies
  1. .it's me...
    .it's me... says:

    i’m really really sorry… that… i couldn’t help that much… i want to… but… wanting to help only goes so far… i just want you to know that i’m here if you need me… for anything… you can punch me, if it will make you feel… even the slightest bit better… just… let me help… as ridiculous as it may be… i don’t care… i’ll do it… please… let me help you… you don’t deserve to feel sad…

    Reply
  2. Mr. G
    Mr. G says:

    Hey Noelle,

    Wow. You sure can say a lot. And your plea is working. I will be posting something again soon. Perhaps we will continue as the greatest unofficial club ever, but without official meetings. I can still probably find the time to do stuff online. This hasn’t been a great year for me, so when I posted, I wasn’t feeling particularly optimistic. We all have our bad days.

    I didn’t call you our Muse for nothing. You were an inspiration to me and everyone else here, too. It’s hard to function without you around. Sounds like, despite your heartache and problems, you are really succeeding in a number of areas. Your former English teacher here still brags about the cool stuff you made for class for her.

    So, keep up the good work. You are always an inspiration. I will try to do a better job of inspiring from my end, too. Oh and keep telling us about these writing competitions. I’m very interested!

    FYI:
    Average PSAT for a Junior is 147 according to: http://www.collegeboard.com/student/testing/psat/scores.html

    Reply
  3. Rebecca
    Rebecca says:

    Wow. Sweetie, I am not even sure if I can read all of this. I am very tired and suddenly am kind of weepy because I just read Mr. G’s post which just about did me in.
    I need to go to bed.
    Anyway, I just want to say that you are a great girl without even trying. Just be yourself and you’ll be fine, honey. I did History Day once and it is really stressful, I will tell you that right now. It drove me to breakdowns, too. E-mail me if you need some help, kay?
    Yeah, this is making me cry, so I am going to go now. But just remember that we heart you, alright, sweetheart?

    XOXO
    Becca

    Reply
  4. ...
    ... says:

    … what i said here… didn’t mean that much to you… did it… i’ve always been there for you… i don’t know how to convince you that… no one’s ever meant more to me than you… i tried my best to help you feel better however i could… i REALLY hope i helped you… at least a little… i wish i was the shoulder you could cry on… i know that most of the problems between us are my fault… i wish that i wasn’t so unstable… if i was more like nick… just calm and… comfortable… maybe i could’ve… probably… meant something to you… i hate the fact that i’m a shitty friend… it feels like we’re not friends anymore… i hate that, too… i wish we could still be friends… at the very least… i know you’ll never say that you forgive me for anything i’ve said/done… you tend to just… pretend it didn’t happen… that doesn’t actually help anybody, and you know that… i really need to talk to you… it’s important… hopefully… if you talk to me… it will just make it all stop… no more complications… no more random jealousy-related frustrations… no more pushing away… no more being pushed away… no more fighting… no more questioning… no more anything… we could just be friends… like we used to be… i’m sorry i keep… changing… i’m sorry i’m just a horrible person, who’s controlled by random mood changes from constant emotional instability… i’m sorry… i just want to talk to you… i want you to want to talk to me… i want this all to be cleared up once and for all… i want us to be friends again… i want to know the truth… i want… i just… i need… i need everything to be okay… i need you to be happy… i need all this tension between us to just go away… i love you… and i hate the fact that so much stupid crap’s gotten between us… i’d take it all back if i could… i love you, i love you, i love you… no one else… i wish you knew how much you mean to me, Noe… i’d literally do anything… just for you… just to see you happy… i suck at guessing, though… so i need you to really help me help you… writing’s never been my thing, btw… when we started first doing the TAKS strategies (because i’m in a regular english class), i wrote the prompt down and started working on it from day 1, over the weekend, and turned it in that next wednesday… i only got a 3.5 because my teacher’s the one that graded mine… sorry for trailing off… i just wish we could get along… i wish i had more time with you… just one-on-one… no “interruptions” or distractions… i wasn’t the one that was fortunate enough to be able to spend that time with you, though… although you know quite a bit about me… i feel as if… you never really got to know me… not how i really could be… you’ve actually just seen my worst self… i haven’t changed from then… that’s just a part of me i have to live with… i can’t tell you exactly why that is… i know why… i just can’t tell you… i just wish i could’ve gotten the chance… well… i wish you could’ve gotten the chance to get to know my better half… his name’s also Josh… and he does play guitar, as well… but he’s a lot more understanding than me… a lot more stable… i believe that he would’ve treated you with the utmost respect and friendliness at the same time… he would have really done his best to make you as happy as possible… to make you smile every day… he would have really been there for you when you really needed a shoulder to cry on… instead of just trying to be… i wish you never knew THIS half of me… the unstable one… constantly depressed for no reason… insecure… even a little self-destructive… i’m sorry you had to even look at that half… you deserve much better… i understand that i’ll never be good enough to be yours… as much as i hate that fact… it’s still a fact… but… i’m alright with that… you’re my best friend… i… i don’t need romance this early on in life… i’d love it… but… i understand that… it will happen whenever it happens… i do need you, though… i need my best friend… i need to talk to you… i… i need a hug…

    Reply

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