I have rewritten my story, Revenge, which takes place in Our World. Please tell me if this version is better than the last!

I stared intently into the frightened eyes that stared in reply. The eyes spoke of the deep fear that grew within the Qurk lying on the floor before me. He cowered as he waited for me to bring his life to an end and he shook in solicitude. My chest was heaving from the vigorous fight and sweat dripped from my forehead. My only thoughts were on the Qurk however. I held a stern face with the pride hidden inside me. I gave my victim no information through my facial expressions. I had no facial expressions. My gray eyes were empty as I held the thin blade of my sword against his neck. I was trained to be emotionless.

He slowly began to back away from me, yet I quickly used the tip of my sword to cut into his arm. He roared in pain and humiliation as he instantly grabbed his wound and scowled at me. I smiled as his pain brought me satisfaction. I wanted him to suffer, and I wanted it to last. I held my stance above the alien as I regained my breath.

As I scrutinized the alien’s face, horrible memories began to recur. Memories that I had pushed to the corners of my mind were awakening. Memories…that I had hoped would never return. I lost focus as the dreaded thoughts flashed through my mind. My countenance displayed worry and pain for a moment as I lost myself in my retention. I slightly lowered my weapon before quickly regaining my wits. I was not to let my guard down.

However, the remembrance pursued.

– – –
I was but a young eight-year old girl when my life was changed by the Qurk’s invasion. It was not an unusual day in any way. Lightning flashed across the sky as my mother walked to the windows to draw the curtains. My father was reading in his usual seat in the living room. With my sister and me, the whole family was resting in our main room. Dusk had just fallen and had laid a blanket of darkness across the land outside. A heavy rain had followed the first few bellows of thunder adding to the dreary effect.

I remember how quiet it had been except for the cracks of thunder. I listened in silence to the pitter of the rain against our roof. It was a somber evening, but a normal one at the most.

Suddenly, rain was thrust into our house as our front door was thrown to the floor with great force. A large, gray creature emerged from the entryway and studied the house it had just entered. Water ran from the dull, metal armor that covered the Qurk’s pale flesh and soaked into the carpet on which he stood. As he paused for a moment to take in his surroundings, he gave me a good look of his face just before he came charging into our family room.

I quickly dashed into the hall closet around the corner as my younger sister’s cry pierced through my head. I waited in hiding, hoping that the creature would not find me. I am ashamed of what I had done now. I hid from the event, and I let the fear sweep over me. I crouched with my knees pressed close to my chest as I covered my ears and closed me eyes. I listened to my parent’s screams as I rocked back and forth. I wished it all to disappear. I wished for it to end.

I was paralyzed with fear as I cowered in the corner. I waited in the darkness, unable to move. All I could do was listen.

My mother’s final cries were burned into my memories. She called for me… “Aryth! Aryth!” She pleaded, yet I did nothing. My family was beat to the ground by the ferocious intruder and their cries came to an abrupt stop. A low whimper emitted from my mouth without my knowledge as I wondered in despair. Were they…dead? Was he gone?

An answer soon followed as I heard a crash from the living room. There was a grunt as the creature unleashed his strength to tear through the furniture. I figured that he was looking for me as I heard crashes and scrapes against the wall. I felt trapped within the box of a closet. There was nowhere for me to run.

The vociferance came to a halt as I heard heavy footsteps walk slowly down the hall towards my concealed place. I held my breath as I waited for the Qurk to pass. My young heart was pounding with a clamor in my chest that made me fear that the creature could hear it. My long, red hair stuck to my forehead with sweat as I trembled and shook. The alien was close enough to tease me with the sounds of his breaths. The low, heavy rasps seemed forced from the pit of his throat each time he exhaled. His breathing became louder, and his footsteps drew nearer.

Then there was an obstreperous roar from outside. The horn-like blow bellowed through the hall, echoing through the open portal. As I peered through the small crack around the hinges of the door, I noticed the Qurk glance outside before muttering under his breath. He then left the hallway as I listened carefully to his movements. There was a grunt as he lifted something heavy and an infuriated growl as he left my home. He had finally left.

After waiting a few seconds more, I burst through the closet door and ran out to our living room. The furniture had been shredded and skewed about. The curtains had been ripped from the windows and the carpet displayed soggy footprints spread throughout the room. Using the hunting tips that my father had taught me, I thoroughly searched the carpet and discovered that there was not any blood. My family might still be alive.

I searched the remainder of our house afterwards, only to be left in shame and disappointment. I had survived, but I had been left alone. My family had been taken.
– – –

Through the past nine years, I had been left to suffer under my own guilt and dread for what I had done. I lived alone and trained in tracking and hunting. I became skilled archer and talented in the wayof the sword, practicing on animals that I would hunt and kill. My whole life, since the attack, I had trained and prepared for this moment. I followed the Qurks and tracked carefully. And now I had found my prey.

As the Qurk brought the memories back to me, I glared at him with great rage. I did not care to be emotionless now, for I this was the moment I had patiently waited for. I was to bring justice to my family and how I had let them down. I was to bring punishment to this foul creature. My face became a twisted snarl, my eyes exhibiting an irritated leer.

I finally spoke to the creature, still holding my pose. “Do you know who I am?” I did not wait for a response as I continued. “Do you know what you have done to me? Stealing my family from me. Leaving me to suffer in guilt!” The Qurk spat at me as he grumbled in his own tongue. I was unsure if he could even understand me, but this wasn’t for him. It was for me. “I trained afterwards. I trained for this fight. I prepared and I have followed you. Did you know that? I know where you have been, what you have done. And I have caught you now. I have caught you and fought you. And now you lie before me,” I paused to laugh and mock at him. I could now see the timorousness turn to a boiling rage. I smiled as he gave me what I desired. He was upset. “Yes, I stand before you now. Yet, that won’t be for long. I cannot let you take my family from me without paying the consequences.”

I held my sword at his throat while I waited to prolong his suffering. I wanted him to feel as I did nine years ago. Waiting in fear… Waiting in the darkness of shame and guilt. I wanted this to last. My smile turned wicked as evil thoughts brewed through my mind. I felt as if I had power, and I liked it. I wanted this moment to last and linger, but my longing soon overcame me.

Just then, there was a scream as the Qurk’s blood spilled on the wall. I smiled in satisfaction. I had taken my revenge.

12 replies
  1. Mr. G
    Mr. G says:

    Reading Break!
    Good. I like this better. Nice intro, it pulls us into your story.
    vociference–spelled like this: vociferance–What a word choice!

    The main character really revels in the evil and viciousness. This story really seems to show how someone can turn bad through good intentions…

  2. Jeremy
    Jeremy says:

    “However” could use a comma after it in the little bit before the first break.

    Still an ok story from my standing. It’s good, but nothing that really interests me.

  3. Pres. Randall
    Pres. Randall says:

    Better, yes. I only noticed one grammatical error. “I am ashamed of what I have done now. I hid from the event, and I let the fear sweep over me.” It should probably be “of what I had done now.”, just to keep the tenses straight.
    Also, in your first, wasn’t the main character female? For some reason, I thought so. I think I prefer that image of the character more. Anyway, good job on touching it up.

  4. hyperwires
    hyperwires says:

    Thanks everybody for the feedback. I have fixed the mistakes.

    To tell the truth, the first version gave no clue as to if it was a girl or a guy. I actually pictured this grey-eyed, blonde-haired character at the beginning of December when I first thought of this story. It has gone through much thought and changed in many ways. At first I was going to write about how he was tracking the alien and thinking of how deeply he seeked revenge. I was going to give very, very subtle clues as to why he wanted to kill the Qurk, but never exactly tell you why. At the end of the story he was then going to find the Qurk and kill him. It was pretty cool, but I didn’t know how I was going to write it and fit between the 1,000-2,000 word limit. I kind of changed it to this.

    When Terri read my first version and commented on how you didn’t even know the character, I realied that she was right. When she said that she thought it was a girl, I was really surprised. Then everybody started agreeing with her. I guess I just thought that it was weird because I already had the mindset look of the character in my head.

    Should I change it to a girl?

  5. Pres. Randall
    Pres. Randall says:

    That’s completely up to you. I think it works either way. I think you hear more about guys on revenge trips, so it could be interesting to write it as a girl. Whichever way works best for you.

  6. Jared
    Jared says:

    ‘I had no facial expressions’… i think it shouldn’t have an s
    ‘Memories…that’ space after that
    ‘The vociferance came to a halt as I heard heavy footsteps walk slowly down the hall towards my concealed place.’ vociferance is such a kool word.

    your right, this one is better, I got every thing on my check list done except my OW story, I hope that I will do what you did and rewrite it when im done… its not to good now.

  7. Mr. G
    Mr. G says:

    It didn’t really change the story a lot, but I think I really dug the girl revenge story. As Randy pointed out, though, that sort of decision is really up to you. Whatever you are happier with. I think you can tell that most of your loyal readers enjoyed the new version of the story as it is.

    Well done. I look forward to more.

  8. Hannah
    Hannah says:

    Nothing against your naming capabilities, but when I read his mother screaming “Terrell, Terrell,” I didn’t like the way it sounded..I don’t know why! Oh well..

    And when the Qurk was “called back” I guess, I thought of War of the Worlds. Lol.

  9. hyperwires
    hyperwires says:

    When his mother was calling his name, I didn’t really think too hard on it. Actually, I didn’t think at all. When I first wrote this story, I thought that the character would just be there with no description or anything. Then, people starting asking for more description, so I kind of just made it up and published it. When it came to the name, I figured this is just the blueprints anyways, and jotted just-old-anything down. I don’t like “Terrel” either.

  10. Hannah
    Hannah says:

    I kind of figured that you didn’t think about it too much…;)

    I’m actually going to start getting on MagicPens more often now, I’ll see what I can do about my “boring” layout..I’m sure you’re happy about that. Lol.


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